Ten Things Clients Should Bear in Mind throughout Mediation

Bunmi Awoniyi, September 16, 2010

Here is a list of ten things clients hould bear in mind throughout mediation:

1. You won't get 100% you want.

2. "Non-adversarial" does not translate as "conflict-free."

3. Lay your cards on the table.

4. Listen actively and listen carefully.

5. Speak with respect.

6. Drop "fair" from your vocabulary.

7. Your spouse may never see your position...and that's okay.

8. Maintain a "big picture" perspective.

9. Don't assign blame for the past.

10. Don't neglect yourself.

1. You won't get 100% of what you want. Your aim should not be to get everything you want without any comprise. Rather, both parties must be flexible to reach the best result possible. Remember, cooperation is a key mediation trait.

2. "Non-adversarial" does not translate as "conflict-free." Many people commonly misunderstand the relationship between mediation and divorce-thinking mediation is reserved for the more "friendly" divorces, while litigation is the only option for the more high-conflict situations. However, this is not the case; mediation can successful for a wide variety of cases. You and your spouse can benefit from the mediation process, even if you seldom see eye-to-eye. An important fact to remember is that mediation aims to fashion an environment where you and your spouse can reach the best possible resolution regardless of the conflict level.

3. Lay your cards on the table. Some clients come to mediation in battle-ready mode. Both sides use their armor (attorney), weapons (legal rights), and various intimidation tactics (ex. aggressively-strategic body language) to push for total victory over "the enemy." However, this no-holds-barred, scorched-earth approach is antithetical to the true spirit of mediation. Vulnerability, in contrast, is a definite way to reaching the best possible resolution. Such open honesty requires you to ditch the battle-minded approach. Although it may be difficult to say what you truly want and why you want that, unconcealed disclosure is a vital step toward reaching the best settlement possible.

4. Listen actively and listen carefully. Dramatic sighs, various interruptions, and incessant watch-checking and eye-rolling are some of the off-putting devices parties can do to derail the mediation process. Although you may begin the process with every intention of abiding by these rules, you will find that your strong emotional investment in the issues may cause you to act quite differently. Constant reminders to listen carefully and respectfully can help you overcome the strong urge to resort to any passive-aggressive tactics. Remember that the mediator is not going to take sides, and you will both have equal opportunity to say your piece. You and your spouse's ability to communicate effectively plays an essential role in the success of the mediation process. By listening to one another in mediation, you and your spouse will be better equipped to reach the best possible outcome.

5. Speak with respect. Speaking respectfully does not prohibit candid or emotional speech. However, this does rule out heated diatribes, sarcastic quips, name-calling, and fruitless labeling. You must avoid behavior that could be construed as defensive or disparaging.

6. Drop "fair" from your vocabulary. Although it seems counterintuitive, discussions of "fairness" and the mediation setting often conflict. This is because "fairness" is a vague, subjective concept. And you will be hard-pressed to find a case where two individuals experiencing a divorce share identical positions on what is fair. In mediation, you are instead encouraged to consider what is acceptable. Here, you and your spouse can discuss why you find a proposal acceptable or not. This way, unproductive spats over who has the superior "fairness argument" will be circumvented, and the mediation process will run much smoother.

7. Your spouse may never see your position...and that is okay. Don't expect a "thank you" or even an "I'm sorry" from your spouse. He or she may never have that "light bulb moment" you want them to. Reaching the best possible conclusion does not mean either party must come to understand and accept the other's point of view. That may happen, but it is not the objective of mediation. Keeping things in proper perspective will better help you throughout your mediation process.

8. Don't assign blame for the past. In devastating circumstances, such as divorce, many people often try to pinpoint extrinsic sources of their failures or unhappiness, frequently in family members, employers, or spouses. However, mediation does not purpose to satisfy such inquiries. So, this practice only serves to hinder productive mediation efforts. The success of mediation turns largely on whether you and your spouse can accept responsibility for your mediation experience and move forward from there.

9. Maintain a "big picture" perspective. An important advantage to mediation is that it permits you and your spouse to base your final agreement on the big picture-a picture focused on "intangibles," such as interpersonal relationships, emotional security, your quality of life, etc. By considering the value of such intangibles throughout the mediation process, you and your spouse can then avoid making choices that are disagreeable or destructive to your family, friends, and each other.

10. Don't neglect yourself. It is no secret that divorce is one of the most stressful events you can experience. By choosing to mediate, you and your spouse have already alleviated some of the stress that accompanies divorce. However, this does not mean mediation is a day at the spa. You must remember to get enough sleep, eat well, and spend time with your loved one.

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